Parade

Jennifer Garner is as committed to raising her daughters Violet, 4, and Seraphina, 1, as she is to her career. But she admits that it’s an emotional struggle. “I adore going to movie sets and being part of a team trying to create something,” she says. “And yet, I hate to miss even one bedtime with my girls.” 

Garner, 37, knows that the push-pull she faces is hardly unique. “My sisters both are working mothers,” she says. “I understand that my being an actress as well as being at home isn’t some heroic thing. That doesn’t mean it isn’t confusing or difficult—especially that question of how you find a balance.” 

Garner is eating lunch at a little café near her L.A. home while her children take a nap. She’s dressed down in blue jeans and a plaid shirt and has her hair in a ponytail. Even on a day when she’s not red-carpet glamorous, she knows how lucky she is. 

“I’m privileged, because I have a lot of freedom,” she says. “I want to use it to make as warm and normal a life as I can for our daughters.” She likes to make breakfast, pack lunches, and bake homemade bread. “It’s fun,” she adds. “It’s what my mother did. She made every meal.” 

Garner married actor Ben Affleck in 2005 after his highly publicized engagement to singer Jennifer Lopez ended. Garner and Affleck had been friends since they starred together in the 2003 hit film Daredevil. Since then, Garner has had other box-office successes, including 13 Going on 30, Juno, and Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. In her latest film, Valentine’s Day, due out Feb. 12, she joins a cast that includes Julia Roberts, Jessica Alba, Jamie Foxx, and Shirley MacLaine. Patrick Dempsey plays her love interest, and she also ends up in a clinch with Ashton Kutcher.

“I go home and say to Ben, ‘Do you know what I’ve been doing at work all day?’” she says, laughing.Which brings up the subject of romance in her own marriage. “Ben is sexy and kind, but he’s also a riot. We can be very goofy together.” How do they find the time to be romantic?

“You steal the time,” she says. “You steal a date, you steal a kiss, you steal a whisper. You sit next to each other on the couch with computers on your laps. After the kids are asleep you...well, you know.” She grins. “Whatever it is. You slip away for a night, which we’ve only just now done for the first time. Of course, I call home while we’re away. Ben would be surprised if I didn’t.”

Garner credits her own parents with putting her on the path to stardom even as she was growing up in West Virginia with her sisters. “I was the most independent of the three of us,” Garner says. “My mother and father always supported my passion for acting. I think they just kind of expected me to move to New York and become an actress and have all these adventures.” She shakes her head. “When I switched my major from chemistry to theater in college, my father never batted an eye. That was impressive when you think how hard they worked to save and put us all through school.”

After graduating from Denison University in Ohio, Garner headed for New York City, supplementing her acting jobs by working as a hostess in a restaurant. Two years later, she moved to Los Angeles and landed some small roles before making a splash in the TV series Felicity, where she met actor Scott Foley. They married in 2000. Then came the TV smash Alias in 2001, which made her an overnight star and ran for five seasons. She played the glamorous international spy Sydney Bristow, who had martial arts moves like a sexy female Jackie Chan. The success of Alias coincided with the sudden end of Garner’s marriage to Foley. The divorce was a turning point.“I had a lot of growing up to do,” Garner says. “I’m still conflict-averse. I don’t like to argue. But back then I couldn’t have a fight. I couldn’t work things out because I wasn’t able to say what I needed to say. I didn’t have a voice. I didn’t dare to express myself. It was a huge heartbreak for me to have something fail like that. I knew that this was either an opportunity for growth or I would sink.

“It’s easy when you’re hurt and angry to just say, ‘Oh, it’s them,’” she continues. “But I had to come into my own. I thought, ‘Why did this relationship not work? What part of the failure is my responsibility?’ So I went to work on it. I started therapy.”

Garner gained a powerful self-awareness. “It’s not like I didn’t realize I had any issues until I got a divorce,” she recalls. “But I had this professional confidence that wasn’t equaled by my own personal confidence in any relationship, not just with men. There was a disconnect. I realized I needed to be more like my character in Alias, who was so powerful and confident and an inspiration to me.” She pauses. “I understood very well how to be nice and how to take care of people. I didn’t know how to ask for anything that I needed. It was important to balance it out.”

Garner says she was ready for a new relationship with her friend Affleck. “Well, it helped that we were both single at the time,” she says with a smile. “He’s a very good writer.” So did he woo her with letters? “Don’t make assumptions,” she responds. “I didn’t say that.” 

Garner thinks it over and then grins. “Okay...e-mail.” Now she’s blushing. “He’s a very persuasive writer.” Has she kept all those e-mails? “Of course!”

Garner still relies on therapy to give her perspective on motherhood and the inner battle between her love for her work and her need to be home. She also counts on friends and family for support. 

But her demeanor changes as she says firmly: “I will tell you what I can’t abide—and I think the Internet has really created a space for it—women criticizing other women and mothers criticizing other mothers. It just makes me crazy, whether it’s between staying at home, going to work, how long you breast-feed, if you use formula. I feel like we should just assume everyone is doing the best they can. Women should take care of each other, not tear each other down.

“I would just like to see a mother who really believes that she has done it all so right, you know what I mean?”Garner is very close to her sisters, her mom, and her women friends. Did Affleck have to work his way into that atmosphere? 

“He doesn’t have trouble wiggling his way in anywhere,” she says. “Ben is charm personified when he wants to be. He’s not easily threatened or made uncomfortable—he’s very secure in that way. Maybe he just knows I’m nuts about him, and he doesn’t have anything to worry about.” She adds, “Don’t forget we were friends first for a long time.” 

Garner realizes that her children’s nap time is over and her most demanding audience is waiting. She gets up with a “got to get back” look. 

“I can’t complain. This mix is perfect for me,” she says. “I am the model middle child. I am patient and I like to take care of everyone. Being called nice is a compliment. It’s not a boring way to describe me.”